• Morally questionable
• DAT ASS THO
• Congrats on not getting a venereal disease
• Fuck: it, off, you, me, this, them
• Surprise! I’m drunk
• Adulting sucks balls
• You’re my favorite bitch to bitch about bitches with
• H is for have a fucking sense of humor
• Probably hungry, likely sleepy, always cold
• I’m cool, but I cry a lot
• As emotionally stable as an Ikea table
• In fuck, marry, vote off the island - I'd {blank} you
• You’re the shit
• I’m proud to call you my {title}! I hope that makes up for all the other things I’ve called you
• I need to start eating more healthy, but first I'll eat this cookie
• Hello, this is karma calling
• And by sweet tooth, I mean sweet teeth
• I have a black belt in sarcasm
• Just because I make it look easy doesn't mean it is
• I'm taking a break from the tiring job of being fabulous
• I'm exhaustipated: too tired to give a crap
• I call it 'keeping it real’
• Some songs bring out my inner stripper
• I almost let what you said upset me
• I'd be a better person if I was always drunk
• I can't believe I work this hard to be this poor
• I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure
• If you're happy & you know it, it's your meds!
• Ringmaster of the shit show
• I'm not crying, you're crying
• Big. Dick. Energy.
• Get a bucket and a mop, that's some wet ass pussy
• I'm emotionally constipated, I haven't given a shit in days
• Big dick energy is the only big dick you have
• Ruin my life
• You have big dick energy, but a small penis
• If you're going to be salty, bring tequila.
• 100% that bitch
• You’re my favorite fucking person
• It's a beautiful day to get fucked up
• You're doing amazing, sweetie
• I'm so lucky people can't hear what I'm thinking
• Knowing you makes me cool
• I'm never drinking again
• Stay Badass
• I've got 99 problems, but you ain't one
• We love you more than you love {whatever they love}
• Weird flex, but okay
• You're the tits
• You're so hot
• I didn't tell you? Must not be your business
• If being sarcastic burned cals, I'd {you'd) be thin
• You my homeslice
• Being an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done
• I've been nagged to deaf
• Everything is a dildo if you're brave enough
• Be cool, don't be all uncool
• The sun is high, & so am I
• Hey girl, you got this
• This shit is bananas
• I have a condition called selective hearing, which filters out BS
• You slay all day
• Fucker.