Break-Ups:
• I don’t like you anymore
• Over you
• There are 2 sides to every story and {s}he was a dick in both of them
• Don’t cry over boys, do squats and make them cry wishing they still had that ass
• You’re not my type
• Roses are red, violets are pink, today sucked balls, I need a drink
• I’m too good for you
• Game over.
• Wanted to let you know that sometimes it doesn’t work out with somebody cause they’re a piece of shit who deserves a piece of shot and you’re not a piece of shit
• Good bye and good riddance
• You fucked up
• I wish I could unsuck your penis
• I wish I could unlick your balls
• I wish I could uneat your ass
• I wish I could uneat your pussy
• Leave me alone
• Miss me yet?
• Can't believe I shaved my {genitalia} for you
• At least you're really pretty
• Nope. Not today.

Fired / Unemployed:
• I support you as much as Spanx
• Man, this sucks
• Your boss was an ass hole
• You hated your job anyway
• I'm afraid I have to leave work for good
• Time to file for unemployment
• You're unemployed, but awesome
• I'm quitting to pursue my dreams of not working here
• You were shit at your job anyway
• Not shocked you got fired
• Lets file this under: FUCK IT
• Working full-time cramped your style
• Bye coworkers, I know it was a pleasure working with me
• You didn't get paid enough for that shit
• Hopefully you get good severance
• Should have worked harder
• Honestly, shocked this didn't happen sooner
• Life is like a penis: sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down, but it won’t be hard forever